She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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