He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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