mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
