Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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