i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
