I wish my penis had an off switch
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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