you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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