I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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