We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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