I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
