I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
