Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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