Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
