i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
