So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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