then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
