I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
