mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
