I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
