She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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