He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You made out with two different species that night
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
