I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
