I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
