My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
