stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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