everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
