She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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