Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
