They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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