so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
