Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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