I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
