mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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