Screwed.edu
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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