Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
