How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
