kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
