just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
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