someone owes me an orgasm
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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