I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
