I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
