My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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