this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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