They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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