Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize