life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
