I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
