Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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