I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
