You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
