Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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