well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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