OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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