1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
