dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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