I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
