When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
