I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
