You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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